a a a levels

Apologies for neglecting this blog.
I am actually quite happy for once, my A level results were grrrreat!
So likelihood is I am moving to Landan in September for uni?

Are any of you in London? (would be good to have a friend :P)



I've neglected this blog because I started my A2 year of college and ever day, if you could see me, I sit in my room literally drowning with the amount of fucking work I have.

Quick recap of my life since my last post (alot has changed)

Since my last post, the boy text me 2 days after breaking up with me, begigng me to get back with him. I love him and I think everybody, at the least, deserves a second chance. So now we are back together. He promised me "everything would change" and everything that was wrong before would be different. It sounds stupid but it wasn't just a typical "break-up" he didn't cheat or neglect me, he broke up with me because he genuinely cared so much about me that he didn't want to hurt me. We argue and fight, which I imagine is "normal", and I have finally met his mum. So were our relationship is concerned I would say I am happy.

I feel like there is an internal vaccume, deep inside of my heart sucking away all emotion and life I can't breathe. I go about days lost, just thinking "what is the point?" I sit in my room pleading with myself to not resort to self harm or vomitting, starvation or bingeing. I don't really sleep much.

My life is a living hell.

Somedays I just cry in bed, wishing to be anyone else bus me.

Then I feel so ungrateful, because there is a voice in my head screaming... "you should be happy". My boyfriend loves me, I am an intelligent person, I have my whole life ahead of me and a family that loves me yet some days I sit in my room fantasizing about jumping off building and slitting my throat. I know the whole "you should be happy" thing is superficial and shit, and what the fuck is happy? But I go about my days with this warped reality, and one day, I might just crack.

.... I need help.

Also PLEAS comment telling me some more blogs to follow (I promise I will start reading and commenting again like I used to) as I would say a good 1/3 of the blogs I follow either have deleted their blog now or haven't posted in months.



 Me and the boy have broke up, 

I don't know what to do,

I love him so much.

I hate myself


Ex anima, how did you know? :(


The thought of college makes me want to jump out of my window,

My relationship is falling apart and I can't do anything to stop it,

My life is just a mess and I don't want to do this anymore.

I have never felt unhappier.


old habits die hard

Here I am, back to the unstable mess I was at 15. I can't even bring myself to explaining everything that has gone on this summer, without a total emotional breakdown.

Here is a brief  overview:
  • The boy doesn't believe in the idea of "love"
  • The problems he has in his life are probably 10 times worse than mine
  • He is a weird recluse who won't talk to me
  • He has so many problems they're affecting me too! (but if I tell him I am selfish)
  • After 8 months I haven't met his family (it took him 6 to tell his mum after my constant moaning)
  • I can't ever meet his family!?!
  • We argue all the time :(
  • I feel like such a bitch
  • I can't talk to him about stuff I feel like I weigh him down because he has so many problems himself.
I know I love him, but am I being selfish clinging onto this relationship that may be destined to fail?
 I am back to the ol' starving and crying all day antics.

I want to die, slowly and painfully.


why didn't I know?

The inevitable is happening. I am ruining my relationship with the boy, and it is all because i am incapable of functioning normally. He is beginning to just despise me. I am clingy, paranoid and just a total mess. I am currently in a state of uncontrollable sobbing, while listening to a play list of sad songs. I don't know what I am supposed to do, I wish I could just be somebody else, because I don't think he will ever be able to hate me more than I actually hate myself right now.

It is so hard sitting here resisting the urge to vomit or to pick up a razor. How sickening is it that my boyfriend is my trigger, and I actually love it. I find myself purposefully starting arguments just so I can be angry and upset enough to vomit or self harm.

I hate myself.



For over a month now my blog has been hidden from everyone, due to me sending my boyfriend a paragraph from one post I wrote, and freaking out he might somehow magically realise my "diary" I told him about was an online blog, google the paragraph, and stumble upon this post. Crazy, I know.
For such a long time, I have let the past define who I am today. Ok, thats what happens, but I mean every time I've purged or self harmed or wanted to commit suicide, I have let those memories and feelings mould me into the reclusive depressive psycho. I want so much to be happy.

I want to change but I don't know how!?!?

Also apologies C, you asked me how I was and I just ignored you. I honestly don't know how I feel - uncertain?