Apologies for neglecting this blog.
I am actually quite happy for once, my A level results were grrrreat!
So likelihood is I am moving to Landan in September for uni?
Are any of you in London? (would be good to have a friend :P)
locating wonderland.
10/03/2013
28/10/2012
M.I.A
I've neglected this blog because I started my A2 year of college and ever day, if you could see me, I sit in my room literally drowning with the amount of fucking work I have.
Quick recap of my life since my last post (alot has changed)
Since my last post, the boy text me 2 days after breaking up with me, begigng me to get back with him. I love him and I think everybody, at the least, deserves a second chance. So now we are back together. He promised me "everything would change" and everything that was wrong before would be different. It sounds stupid but it wasn't just a typical "break-up" he didn't cheat or neglect me, he broke up with me because he genuinely cared so much about me that he didn't want to hurt me. We argue and fight, which I imagine is "normal", and I have finally met his mum. So were our relationship is concerned I would say I am happy.
I feel like there is an internal vaccume, deep inside of my heart sucking away all emotion and life I can't breathe. I go about days lost, just thinking "what is the point?" I sit in my room pleading with myself to not resort to self harm or vomitting, starvation or bingeing. I don't really sleep much.
My life is a living hell.
Somedays I just cry in bed, wishing to be anyone else bus me.
Then I feel so ungrateful, because there is a voice in my head screaming... "you should be happy". My boyfriend loves me, I am an intelligent person, I have my whole life ahead of me and a family that loves me yet some days I sit in my room fantasizing about jumping off building and slitting my throat. I know the whole "you should be happy" thing is superficial and shit, and what the fuck is happy? But I go about my days with this warped reality, and one day, I might just crack.
.... I need help.
Also PLEAS comment telling me some more blogs to follow (I promise I will start reading and commenting again like I used to) as I would say a good 1/3 of the blogs I follow either have deleted their blog now or haven't posted in months.
31/08/2012
broken
Me and the boy have broke up,
I don't know what to do,
I love him so much.
I hate myself
!
Ex anima, how did you know? :(
29/08/2012
27/08/2012
old habits die hard
Here I am, back to the unstable mess I was at 15. I can't even bring myself to explaining everything that has gone on this summer, without a total emotional breakdown.
Here is a brief overview:
Here is a brief overview:
- The boy doesn't believe in the idea of "love"
- The problems he has in his life are probably 10 times worse than mine
- He is a weird recluse who won't talk to me
- He has so many problems they're affecting me too! (but if I tell him I am selfish)
- After 8 months I haven't met his family (it took him 6 to tell his mum after my constant moaning)
- I can't ever meet his family!?!
- We argue all the time :(
- I feel like such a bitch
- I can't talk to him about stuff I feel like I weigh him down because he has so many problems himself.
I am back to the ol' starving and crying all day antics.
I want to die, slowly and painfully.
17/07/2012
why didn't I know?
The inevitable is happening. I am ruining my relationship with the boy, and it is all because i am incapable of functioning normally. He is beginning to just despise me. I am clingy, paranoid and just a total mess. I am currently in a state of uncontrollable sobbing, while listening to a play list of sad songs. I don't know what I am supposed to do, I wish I could just be somebody else, because I don't think he will ever be able to hate me more than I actually hate myself right now.
It is so hard sitting here resisting the urge to vomit or to pick up a razor. How sickening is it that my boyfriend is my trigger, and I actually love it. I find myself purposefully starting arguments just so I can be angry and upset enough to vomit or self harm.
I hate myself.
It is so hard sitting here resisting the urge to vomit or to pick up a razor. How sickening is it that my boyfriend is my trigger, and I actually love it. I find myself purposefully starting arguments just so I can be angry and upset enough to vomit or self harm.
I hate myself.
30/06/2012
apologies
For over a month now my blog has been hidden from everyone, due to me sending my boyfriend a paragraph from one post I wrote, and freaking out he might somehow magically realise my "diary" I told him about was an online blog, google the paragraph, and stumble upon this post. Crazy, I know.
For such a long time, I have let the past define who I am today. Ok, thats what happens, but I mean every time I've purged or self harmed or wanted to commit suicide, I have let those memories and feelings mould me into the reclusive depressive psycho. I want so much to be happy.
Also apologies C, you asked me how I was and I just ignored you. I honestly don't know how I feel - uncertain?
For such a long time, I have let the past define who I am today. Ok, thats what happens, but I mean every time I've purged or self harmed or wanted to commit suicide, I have let those memories and feelings mould me into the reclusive depressive psycho. I want so much to be happy.
I want to change but I don't know how!?!?
Also apologies C, you asked me how I was and I just ignored you. I honestly don't know how I feel - uncertain?
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