old habits die hard

Here I am, back to the unstable mess I was at 15. I can't even bring myself to explaining everything that has gone on this summer, without a total emotional breakdown.

Here is a brief  overview:

• The boy doesn't believe in the idea of "love"
• The problems he has in his life are probably 10 times worse than mine
• He is a weird recluse who won't talk to me
• He has so many problems they're affecting me too! (but if I tell him I am selfish)
• After 8 months I haven't met his family (it took him 6 to tell his mum after my constant moaning)
• I can't ever meet his family!?!
• We argue all the time :(
• I feel like such a bitch
• I can't talk to him about stuff I feel like I weigh him down because he has so many problems himself.

I know I love him, but am I being selfish clinging onto this relationship that may be destined to fail?

 I am back to the ol' starving and crying all day antics.

I want to die, slowly and painfully.

why didn't I know?

The inevitable is happening. I am ruining my relationship with the boy, and it is all because i am incapable of functioning normally. He is beginning to just despise me. I am clingy, paranoid and just a total mess. I am currently in a state of uncontrollable sobbing, while listening to a play list of sad songs. I don't know what I am supposed to do, I wish I could just be somebody else, because I don't think he will ever be able to hate me more than I actually hate myself right now.

It is so hard sitting here resisting the urge to vomit or to pick up a razor. How sickening is it that my boyfriend is my trigger, and I actually love it. I find myself purposefully starting arguments just so I can be angry and upset enough to vomit or self harm.

I hate myself.

apologies

For over a month now my blog has been hidden from everyone, due to me sending my boyfriend a paragraph from one post I wrote, and freaking out he might somehow magically realise my "diary" I told him about was an online blog, google the paragraph, and stumble upon this post. Crazy, I know.
For such a long time, I have let the past define who I am today. Ok, thats what happens, but I mean every time I've purged or self harmed or wanted to commit suicide, I have let those memories and feelings mould me into the reclusive depressive psycho. I want so much to be happy.

I want to change but I don't know how!?!?

Also apologies C, you asked me how I was and I just ignored you. I honestly don't know how I feel - uncertain?

I do not know what I am doing anymore. I feel like my whole life is just crumbling apart and I sit here having constant breakdowns. I am sat here sobbing while waiting for the boy to text me back because we've argued over the weekend and I just don't want to loose him.

If I didn't have the boy, I would probably start comtemplating suicide again. Nothing has changed externally, thats why I don't think people wouldn't understand. Externally my life has been fine, great, splendid. But not in my mind, I can't explain it just hurts to think.

I just don't remeber a time when I didn't hate myself. How am I going to pass A levels when I am so unstable?

Yesterday something happened and the boy broke a promise, I was so upset and I explained how now I didn't feel like I could trust him, so he just began to cry. He was so truly sorry, I could see it in his eyes he was so terrified I hated him and wanted to break up, he kept asking me and apologising.

I love him so much, I can't even describe it. He is amazing and he just makes me so happy.

I can tell he is broken too, weird things he says infere to the idea that in someway he hates his life too and wants to escape. I'm not ready to show him this blog yet, but one day I will.

xo

p.s the doctor weighed me today.... 42kg (6 stones 10) !!

ultimate betrayal

. . . breaking a promise </3

sadness..

I don't know hwat to do I am in hysterical floods of tears, I don't thinkt he boy is ever going to understand if I ever opened up to him.

But I feel like I have to.

What do I say?

...When we were ages 13-15 I wanted to commit suicide, after years of on/off starving myself/vomiting, but then my cousin committed suicide first and I kind of realised how selfish it is. So then I dealt with it on my own. But now I'm becoming that person again.

By the way.  xox