Yesterday something happened and the boy broke a promise, I was so upset and I explained how now I didn't feel like I could trust him, so he just began to cry. He was so truly sorry, I could see it in his eyes he was so terrified I hated him and wanted to break up, he kept asking me and apologising.

I love him so much, I can't even describe it. He is amazing and he just makes me so happy.

I can tell he is broken too, weird things he says infere to the idea that in someway he hates his life too and wants to escape. I'm not ready to show him this blog yet, but one day I will.

xo

p.s the doctor weighed me today.... 42kg (6 stones 10) !!

ultimate betrayal

. . . breaking a promise </3

sadness..

I don't know hwat to do I am in hysterical floods of tears, I don't thinkt he boy is ever going to understand if I ever opened up to him.

But I feel like I have to.

What do I say?

...When we were ages 13-15 I wanted to commit suicide, after years of on/off starving myself/vomiting, but then my cousin committed suicide first and I kind of realised how selfish it is. So then I dealt with it on my own. But now I'm becoming that person again.

By the way.  xox

this is the part of me. . .

I've made him my everything, is that a mistake?

I can't help but feel that one day, my heart will be broken
and I will have nothing left.

I never thought that someone could mean so much to me.
I would happily devote the rest of my life to.

The boy who I 'admired from a distance' for two years, done exactly the same to me, and is my boyfriend.

stresser

I went to the doctors he said it is probably acid in my stomach from stressing out so much about being pregnant and I have probably caused a stomach ulcer too. I asked for a blood test for pregnancy he said no, take these tablets and if they don't work I will give you a blood test if you really want. But I just continued to freak out and cry and the pains were so intense so I spoke to my mum about it, which wasn't as awkward as I thought, and she helped calm my nerves by reassuring me the tests are really accurate and I had 2a nd if you were pregnant you don't feel anything for months so my pains are just acid from worrying.

I have lost half a stone with worrying (or I think about 3kg), I am now 6st7lb what the fuck? I stepped on the scales the other day thinking hm have I gained weight looking for 'pregnancy signs'... *shock horror* 6st7lb!

I need to learn to calm the fuck down and not stress out !!

happiness is a blessing

My results were good: ABBC

Psychology - A
Maths - B
Critical Thinking - B
History - C

I was 1% from a B in History :( However my college is appealing and getting them remarked because so many people done so bad. I am relatively happy though, I just look at other people who got UUU (U is un markable) ... and then I feel so much better about life.

In general life is good, however I am still freaking out about being pregnant. Why do I do it to myself? I google things and just become hysterical. I have had 2 periods since it happened, I messed up take my pill, I took a test which was negative. I went today and took another urine test, which was negative. However now I read on line some people have negative tests at the doctors and still are pregnant because they're not senstivite enough to detect pregnancy. I have been having really bad pains like in my stomach and my lower abdomen is tender... therefore I am freaking out again.

Why why why :(

a a a levels...

In hindsight, over the past few weeks I have just been hysterical, when there is no need for me to be.

Today is 'A-level results day' and I am panicing now! It is 6.27am at 6.30am the results get uploaded online to like your student secction thing on our college's website. When I log on and look tomorrow I will cry at the monstrosity that is my History result. Just reminiscing of the jumbled up crap I wrote on my exam makes me sad. I don't know why I did it, I panicked at the word 'domestic policies'. What the fuck? Who gives a fuck anyway, about Britain 1906-1951? Lloyd George, I hate you and your 'domestic policies in 1918 onwards'. Resitting will be awful, having to relive the past 5 months, but it has to be done. At least I will do better on the Vietnam paper woop!!



xoxo.