why didn't I know?

The inevitable is happening. I am ruining my relationship with the boy, and it is all because i am incapable of functioning normally. He is beginning to just despise me. I am clingy, paranoid and just a total mess. I am currently in a state of uncontrollable sobbing, while listening to a play list of sad songs. I don't know what I am supposed to do, I wish I could just be somebody else, because I don't think he will ever be able to hate me more than I actually hate myself right now.

It is so hard sitting here resisting the urge to vomit or to pick up a razor. How sickening is it that my boyfriend is my trigger, and I actually love it. I find myself purposefully starting arguments just so I can be angry and upset enough to vomit or self harm.

I hate myself.