why didn't I know?

The inevitable is happening. I am ruining my relationship with the boy, and it is all because i am incapable of functioning normally. He is beginning to just despise me. I am clingy, paranoid and just a total mess. I am currently in a state of uncontrollable sobbing, while listening to a play list of sad songs. I don't know what I am supposed to do, I wish I could just be somebody else, because I don't think he will ever be able to hate me more than I actually hate myself right now.

It is so hard sitting here resisting the urge to vomit or to pick up a razor. How sickening is it that my boyfriend is my trigger, and I actually love it. I find myself purposefully starting arguments just so I can be angry and upset enough to vomit or self harm.

I hate myself.

1 comment:

  1. I can't even count the number of times I've used my exes' as a trigger. But, I'm sure I would have found something else even if they weren't around.
    I've only just stumbled upon your blog, but have you spoken with him at all about what you've been going through? It's been said hundreds of times before, but if you do care about each other, communication is important. Otherwise, you'll never look to each other with any shred of understanding or compassion. All that's left is misinformed hostility and anger.

    I hope things begin to calm down for you soon.