pain,

I had almost forgotten the experience of purging until just now. That intense cramp in your stomach as your stomach releases the disgusting food you've regrettably eaten is in some twisted way therapeutic at times. I can smell my vomit - how disgusting. I've just sat for a good 5 minutes staring at the disgusting brown galaxy chocolate bar-lasagna vomit in my toilet. I think this might be the first time this year that I've purged, however I think I might have throughout February - March. I promised myself in the new year to end my days of self harm, purging and starvation, what a lovely 'new years resoloution' if only my mind had to capability to resist temptation.

I think every person in college is relieved to break up for Christmas, apart from myself. I have to revise for my tests, which isn't too bad, but that means being alone. Being alone means me contemplating how much I actually despise myself and with this comes sadness, crying, cutting etc.

I considered deleting this blog because I need to concentrate on revision and reading your blogs is awfully distracting. But then if I did, I would be isolated from a world of people who share my problems and who I can relate to. Having this blogs makes me feel less alone in the sense that I know I am not the only person in the world who some days just wants to die.

christmas

I keep writing posts and deleting them because I think:

'No I'll start over and things will be different different'.

Alas here I am - the same Joanna doing the same things.

I feel like my whole life is trapped in this, what seems eternal, vicious cycle of - cutting, scarring, depression then hatred. . .

I haven't purged for months this is good, it fucks up your body and throat, but then not purging is just a contribution to how much I hate myself. I am the one who caused all this, so why don't I have any control to stop it. I cry myself to sleep wishing that I could look in the mirror and smile. If I eat the chocolate in the advent calender my mum bought, I feel like I will break down. Since returning from my holiday in July all control I had disappeared and I've become this thunder thighed whale who's only release is self harm. The only way I've ever been able to control myself is through starving or self harm, both of which just make me cry more.

There is an overwhelming sense of worthlessness that conquers my body. Does anybody else wish that they could be anyone; but themselves? Happiness seems unreachable as I fall deeper into depression. I don't remember ever waking up and smiling. What to do? I can smile see..

But when I do I feel hollow. Looking at pictures of myself makes me want to vomit, eugh. I should be revising right now but I have no motivation. I sometimes tell myself that I'm being dramatic, I am fine, and to get the fuck on with my life. So I attempt to and then this emotional pain hits me and I just like have some kind of emotional breakdown with uncontrollable crying and other stuff. Then I try to accept it, but I can't and it makes me feel worse and I cry more.

My body is so fucked up too, I am on the pill (to sort my body out) and the pain I have experienced in the past month is so unbearable and intense that I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die slowly. Is it just me? Why can't be body just be fine? Hating life..

Tis the season to be jolly Fa la la la la, la la la la.