I've neglected this blog because I started my A2 year of college and ever day, if you could see me, I sit in my room literally drowning with the amount of fucking work I have.
Quick recap of my life since my last post (alot has changed)
Since my last post, the boy text me 2 days after breaking up with me, begigng me to get back with him. I love him and I think everybody, at the least, deserves a second chance. So now we are back together. He promised me "everything would change" and everything that was wrong before would be different. It sounds stupid but it wasn't just a typical "break-up" he didn't cheat or neglect me, he broke up with me because he genuinely cared so much about me that he didn't want to hurt me. We argue and fight, which I imagine is "normal", and I have finally met his mum. So were our relationship is concerned I would say I am happy.
I feel like there is an internal vaccume, deep inside of my heart sucking away all emotion and life I can't breathe. I go about days lost, just thinking "what is the point?" I sit in my room pleading with myself to not resort to self harm or vomitting, starvation or bingeing. I don't really sleep much.
My life is a living hell.
Somedays I just cry in bed, wishing to be anyone else bus me.
Then I feel so ungrateful, because there is a voice in my head screaming... "you should be happy". My boyfriend loves me, I am an intelligent person, I have my whole life ahead of me and a family that loves me yet some days I sit in my room fantasizing about jumping off building and slitting my throat. I know the whole "you should be happy" thing is superficial and shit, and what the fuck is happy? But I go about my days with this warped reality, and one day, I might just crack.
.... I need help.
Also PLEAS comment telling me some more blogs to follow (I promise I will start reading and commenting again like I used to) as I would say a good 1/3 of the blogs I follow either have deleted their blog now or haven't posted in months.