I've neglected this blog because I started my A2 year of college and ever day, if you could see me, I sit in my room literally drowning with the amount of fucking work I have.
Quick recap of my life since my last post (alot has changed)
Since my last post, the boy text me 2 days after breaking up with me, begigng me to get back with him. I love him and I think everybody, at the least, deserves a second chance. So now we are back together. He promised me "everything would change" and everything that was wrong before would be different. It sounds stupid but it wasn't just a typical "break-up" he didn't cheat or neglect me, he broke up with me because he genuinely cared so much about me that he didn't want to hurt me. We argue and fight, which I imagine is "normal", and I have finally met his mum. So were our relationship is concerned I would say I am happy.
I feel like there is an internal vaccume, deep inside of my heart sucking away all emotion and life I can't breathe. I go about days lost, just thinking "what is the point?" I sit in my room pleading with myself to not resort to self harm or vomitting, starvation or bingeing. I don't really sleep much.
My life is a living hell.
Somedays I just cry in bed, wishing to be anyone else bus me.
Then I feel so ungrateful, because there is a voice in my head screaming... "you should be happy". My boyfriend loves me, I am an intelligent person, I have my whole life ahead of me and a family that loves me yet some days I sit in my room fantasizing about jumping off building and slitting my throat. I know the whole "you should be happy" thing is superficial and shit, and what the fuck is happy? But I go about my days with this warped reality, and one day, I might just crack.
.... I need help.
Also PLEAS comment telling me some more blogs to follow (I promise I will start reading and commenting again like I used to) as I would say a good 1/3 of the blogs I follow either have deleted their blog now or haven't posted in months.
just glad you are back...and i can relate to this sadness, the sadness, despite, although...as i always could. i think about blogs&let you know
ReplyDeletex
L.
It's really good to see you back :) I think we've all been taking long stints away from blogging this year, or so it seems.
ReplyDeleteHope you're okay, even with 'those' days. I remember the hell of A2 year all too well so good luck with it. It is incredibly good to get through it and at the end of the year think 'no more!' - till university at least (my work load is crazy now, which isn't really that good when the low days strike. Somehow not too far behind at the moment, I keep telling myself that anyway...)
It sounds like you're very loved. The days where the world seems far away and yet all too near are really, really unpleasant (there are a lot of words I'd prefer to use, but trying to keep this comment light and fluffy instead). You've made it this far though right? Keep being here and you :)
Hope you write again soon xxx
Hey, heads up, I've nominated you for the "Liebster Blog"-Award! =) Many loves
ReplyDelete