I had almost forgotten the experience of purging until just now. That intense cramp in your stomach as your stomach releases the disgusting food you've regrettably eaten is in some twisted way therapeutic at times. I can smell my vomit - how disgusting. I've just sat for a good 5 minutes staring at the disgusting brown galaxy chocolate bar-lasagna vomit in my toilet. I think this might be the first time this year that I've purged, however I think I might have throughout February - March. I promised myself in the new year to end my days of self harm, purging and starvation, what a lovely 'new years resoloution' if only my mind had to capability to resist temptation.

I think every person in college is relieved to break up for Christmas, apart from myself. I have to revise for my tests, which isn't too bad, but that means being alone. Being alone means me contemplating how much I actually despise myself and with this comes sadness, crying, cutting etc.

I considered deleting this blog because I need to concentrate on revision and reading your blogs is awfully distracting. But then if I did, I would be isolated from a world of people who share my problems and who I can relate to. Having this blogs makes me feel less alone in the sense that I know I am not the only person in the world who some days just wants to die.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear you purged for the first time in so long :( but the trick is to pick yourself up and try again. you did so so well, and this "slip up" doesn't change that. you CAN do it again :) sometimes, i find "slip ups" are needed to be able to see just how much you want it.

    those sound like really good new years resolutions, but try and not put too much on yourself. i don't know how often you cut or how much you starve, but it can be hard to stop so many habits at once. I think it's a really great resolution though so do try and stick to it, but don't be so hard on yourself if you don't - you just have to try again. no one can do anything perfectly straight away, it takes practice.

    i hope you manage to revise but also to (hypocrite alert) RELAX :) seriously, you don't want to go back to school all stressed out :( i know that's much easier said than done because i'm in the same position with exams revision etc and i feel so guilty if i'm not revising, but try to not put too much pressure on yourself!

    it goes

    Your Well Being > Your Exam Results

    don't delete your blog!

    :) take care, xxxxxxxx

  2. Aw, I am so sorry to hear that you purged, love.
    But I also realize that slip-ups happen and honestly, that they are sometimes necessary.
    I only hope that things get better for you from here.
    Hang in there.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3