christmas

I keep writing posts and deleting them because I think:

'No I'll start over and things will be different different'.

Alas here I am - the same Joanna doing the same things.

I feel like my whole life is trapped in this, what seems eternal, vicious cycle of - cutting, scarring, depression then hatred. . .

I haven't purged for months this is good, it fucks up your body and throat, but then not purging is just a contribution to how much I hate myself. I am the one who caused all this, so why don't I have any control to stop it. I cry myself to sleep wishing that I could look in the mirror and smile. If I eat the chocolate in the advent calender my mum bought, I feel like I will break down. Since returning from my holiday in July all control I had disappeared and I've become this thunder thighed whale who's only release is self harm. The only way I've ever been able to control myself is through starving or self harm, both of which just make me cry more.

There is an overwhelming sense of worthlessness that conquers my body. Does anybody else wish that they could be anyone; but themselves? Happiness seems unreachable as I fall deeper into depression. I don't remember ever waking up and smiling. What to do? I can smile see..

But when I do I feel hollow. Looking at pictures of myself makes me want to vomit, eugh. I should be revising right now but I have no motivation. I sometimes tell myself that I'm being dramatic, I am fine, and to get the fuck on with my life. So I attempt to and then this emotional pain hits me and I just like have some kind of emotional breakdown with uncontrollable crying and other stuff. Then I try to accept it, but I can't and it makes me feel worse and I cry more.

My body is so fucked up too, I am on the pill (to sort my body out) and the pain I have experienced in the past month is so unbearable and intense that I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die slowly. Is it just me? Why can't be body just be fine? Hating life..

Tis the season to be jolly Fa la la la la, la la la la.