I know nobody even reads this blog, but I just need somewhere to vent my thoughts and emotions because I have nobody to talk to. I am so scared about being pregnant, I think I might be having symptoms, but then I don't know if I'm just being hysterical.

I plan to go tomorrow to the clinic and take a pregnancy test, scared isn't the word. What if I just happen to be pregnant? I will have to have an abortion. Do I tell him or not? I am being slightly hysterical again, because I just found out a girl I  know is pregnant by 4 months, she still had periods and was on the pill, she only never used protection sometimes (she says) so ah!. Tomorrow is 4 weeks that week since 'it happened' so I need to just calm the fuck down really, have a blood test... and go from there. It lasted for about a minute, what are the chances.

This one thing happened, and I am dragged back to the emotional wreck I was two years ago, I feel like I am on the edge of just imploding. I can't eat or sleep, I just lay there wishing I was dead. I should be happy I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and a best friend who loves me equally but like a sister. So why am I feeling so unhappy and depressed. I just want to slice my skin and vomit and I thought I had just got past all that. I thought I was going to be able to move on with my life and maybe even delete this blog because
'I'm no longer controlled by my weight, I don't starve binge or purge and I'm happy'
(I wrote that the other week in a post I never finished)

... But I'm not, I'm slowly resorting back to all of those things and I just am losing complete control of my whole like.

And the worst this is I have nobody to talk to, so it's me and my thoughts...


  1. It's scary when you think you're pregnant and you just don't know. I've been there. The first time I wasn't pregnant (my period was just late by like 2 weeks - I had/have irregular periods and they were normally early instead of late) and the second time I was pregnant. And as for being depressed when you feel like you shouldn't be, I've been there. Quite often. You could have some type of depression or something. Meds or counselling or lifestyle changes (exercise, taking up art or music, vitamins, ect) can help if you want to try one of those. I'm on meds right now. If you ever want to talk you can email me at

  2. I'm sorry to read all this. If you're pregnant, you should worry about it more then. Right you could not be pregnant and over worrying. Whatever the outcome is, you'll be strong enough to face it.
    I'm sending love and strength.

  3. I read :)

    I'm sure you're not pregnant, but the only thing you can do is find out. I'm 21 & on the pill, but if by chance I became pregnant, I would have an abortion. I would tell my partner. But it's such a personal choice, you should have a baby if you want a baby (& if you can care for it). But it sounds like it's just a scare.

    I agree with the comment above, it sounds like you have depression. It's not your fault, it's not like you've caused it or you deserve it, it's most likely a chemical imbalance in the brain. It can be corrected with medication. The most popular ones in Australia are Lexapro & Lovan. I was on Lexapro for many years & had success with it. My mum takes Lovan & loves it.

    Good luck sweety x