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So I went to the clinic today after a bus ride there, a bus ride home, the realisation I should of actually gone, and a bus ride back. It wasn't as bad as I expected. In the waiting room I seen two girls who go to the school I used to attend, and one conveniently lives two doors away from my nan. How lovely it was been to awkwardly smiling at her, remembering where I seen her last.

They called my name and I explained my scenario to the nurse who's facial expression is best explained by 'so why the fuck are you here?'. I proceeded to explain that I am a stresser and a hypochondria who needs reassurence. So I took a test and it was negative, she said it was 100% so I can stop worrying.

I am not pregnant!

She gave me more contraception, despite me telling her I can just get a repeat prescription so no thanks, however she insisted and I am 'luckily' stocked up on pills for the next 6 months woop. She gave me condoms too, well I asked for them, so there will be no reenactment of me for the past 5 weeks - hysterical.

I am never having unprotected sex again.

just because

you say ''no offense..''
does not mean I won't be offended.

People should think before they speak.
Words hurt.

bleugh

''I didn't go to the clinic when I said I would because I was too terrified. However I have spoke to the boy about it and surprisingly feel less scared and worried about it, is it possible to convince yourself you're pregnant when you're not? He was not angry with me like I thought he would be, and told me he will come with me, but I don't want him to. I felt like I was nauseous and had cramps (reason for convincing myself I am pregnant) but then its kind of gone now I have spoke to someone. It sounds to unbelievable and absurd but it's honestly what has happened! Then now when I think about it my stomach cramps a bit, I think oh god its all in my head, but I can't risk just not taking a test. Blah.


I will definitely go to the clinic this week, hopefully tomorrow. I am scared of walking in. I think I will I ring up in the morning first and just ask if they will take a blood test and how long results take etc. It is open 9.30 - 2pm then 4-7pm so I think I will go relatively early about 10ish so hopefully not many people will be there I can have a blood test leave and continue with my life. Then have results by the weekend and then just stop having occasional emotional breakdowns.''

I wrote this post at the beginning of the week and I STILL haven't gone, what to do? I think I will just go the doctors and take a test. I honestly don't think I am pregnant not I am just a major hypochondria who overreacts extremely, need to be on the safe side though and not the the 1 in 20,000 000 who is pregnant with no actual symptoms. I need a degree and house before I can deal with a baby, even then I couldn't deal with the stress.

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages

Kes: I have emailed you thank you, I just need someone to take to at times. You're so lovely xox.

Efflorescentwings: Thank you, I know I need to stop worrying but my brain just seems to be wired that way and I just have major panic attacks over nothing. I hope I am strong enough to deal with it all. Thank you xox.


Sarah: I honestly think it is just a scare, I don't have any symptoms and I had a period. Honestly it was my 'first time' and we stupidly enough never used protecting, as stupid people do, therefore what are the chances. I can't have a baby, if I was pregnant I would have to have an abortion and feel so evil for the rest of my life, but it would be the best choice. I know I do have depression I can just tell, but I couldn't go to the doctors and be prescribed medicine because I just couldn't, sorry I can't explain and put into words why :(. Thank you for the concern tbough, xox.

Isolation

I know nobody even reads this blog, but I just need somewhere to vent my thoughts and emotions because I have nobody to talk to. I am so scared about being pregnant, I think I might be having symptoms, but then I don't know if I'm just being hysterical.

I plan to go tomorrow to the clinic and take a pregnancy test, scared isn't the word. What if I just happen to be pregnant? I will have to have an abortion. Do I tell him or not? I am being slightly hysterical again, because I just found out a girl I  know is pregnant by 4 months, she still had periods and was on the pill, she only never used protection sometimes (she says) so ah!. Tomorrow is 4 weeks that week since 'it happened' so I need to just calm the fuck down really, have a blood test... and go from there. It lasted for about a minute, what are the chances.

This one thing happened, and I am dragged back to the emotional wreck I was two years ago, I feel like I am on the edge of just imploding. I can't eat or sleep, I just lay there wishing I was dead. I should be happy I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and a best friend who loves me equally but like a sister. So why am I feeling so unhappy and depressed. I just want to slice my skin and vomit and I thought I had just got past all that. I thought I was going to be able to move on with my life and maybe even delete this blog because

'I'm no longer controlled by my weight, I don't starve binge or purge and I'm happy'

(I wrote that the other week in a post I never finished)

... But I'm not, I'm slowly resorting back to all of those things and I just am losing complete control of my whole like.

And the worst this is I have nobody to talk to, so it's me and my thoughts...

Relief

Okay so I have my period, so hopefully I am not pregnant. I done my usual thing of blowing the whole situation out of proportion and completely freaking out. I will make an appointment at the doctors and take a test, just to be on the safe side, as I wouldn't enjoy in 5 months to realised oh wait I actually am pregnant, I am going to have to be a mum now!

Life is as good as I guess it will get.

Xo.