M.I.A

I've neglected this blog because I started my A2 year of college and ever day, if you could see me, I sit in my room literally drowning with the amount of fucking work I have.

Quick recap of my life since my last post (alot has changed)

Since my last post, the boy text me 2 days after breaking up with me, begigng me to get back with him. I love him and I think everybody, at the least, deserves a second chance. So now we are back together. He promised me "everything would change" and everything that was wrong before would be different. It sounds stupid but it wasn't just a typical "break-up" he didn't cheat or neglect me, he broke up with me because he genuinely cared so much about me that he didn't want to hurt me. We argue and fight, which I imagine is "normal", and I have finally met his mum. So were our relationship is concerned I would say I am happy.


I feel like there is an internal vaccume, deep inside of my heart sucking away all emotion and life I can't breathe. I go about days lost, just thinking "what is the point?" I sit in my room pleading with myself to not resort to self harm or vomitting, starvation or bingeing. I don't really sleep much.

My life is a living hell.

Somedays I just cry in bed, wishing to be anyone else bus me.

Then I feel so ungrateful, because there is a voice in my head screaming... "you should be happy". My boyfriend loves me, I am an intelligent person, I have my whole life ahead of me and a family that loves me yet some days I sit in my room fantasizing about jumping off building and slitting my throat. I know the whole "you should be happy" thing is superficial and shit, and what the fuck is happy? But I go about my days with this warped reality, and one day, I might just crack.

.... I need help.

Also PLEAS comment telling me some more blogs to follow (I promise I will start reading and commenting again like I used to) as I would say a good 1/3 of the blogs I follow either have deleted their blog now or haven't posted in months.

broken

 Me and the boy have broke up, 

I don't know what to do,

I love him so much.

I hate myself

!

Ex anima, how did you know? :(

The thought of college makes me want to jump out of my window,

My relationship is falling apart and I can't do anything to stop it,

My life is just a mess and I don't want to do this anymore.

I have never felt unhappier.

old habits die hard

Here I am, back to the unstable mess I was at 15. I can't even bring myself to explaining everything that has gone on this summer, without a total emotional breakdown.

Here is a brief  overview:

• The boy doesn't believe in the idea of "love"
• The problems he has in his life are probably 10 times worse than mine
• He is a weird recluse who won't talk to me
• He has so many problems they're affecting me too! (but if I tell him I am selfish)
• After 8 months I haven't met his family (it took him 6 to tell his mum after my constant moaning)
• I can't ever meet his family!?!
• We argue all the time :(
• I feel like such a bitch
• I can't talk to him about stuff I feel like I weigh him down because he has so many problems himself.

I know I love him, but am I being selfish clinging onto this relationship that may be destined to fail?

 I am back to the ol' starving and crying all day antics.

I want to die, slowly and painfully.

why didn't I know?

The inevitable is happening. I am ruining my relationship with the boy, and it is all because i am incapable of functioning normally. He is beginning to just despise me. I am clingy, paranoid and just a total mess. I am currently in a state of uncontrollable sobbing, while listening to a play list of sad songs. I don't know what I am supposed to do, I wish I could just be somebody else, because I don't think he will ever be able to hate me more than I actually hate myself right now.

It is so hard sitting here resisting the urge to vomit or to pick up a razor. How sickening is it that my boyfriend is my trigger, and I actually love it. I find myself purposefully starting arguments just so I can be angry and upset enough to vomit or self harm.

I hate myself.

apologies

For over a month now my blog has been hidden from everyone, due to me sending my boyfriend a paragraph from one post I wrote, and freaking out he might somehow magically realise my "diary" I told him about was an online blog, google the paragraph, and stumble upon this post. Crazy, I know.
For such a long time, I have let the past define who I am today. Ok, thats what happens, but I mean every time I've purged or self harmed or wanted to commit suicide, I have let those memories and feelings mould me into the reclusive depressive psycho. I want so much to be happy.

I want to change but I don't know how!?!?

Also apologies C, you asked me how I was and I just ignored you. I honestly don't know how I feel - uncertain?

I do not know what I am doing anymore. I feel like my whole life is just crumbling apart and I sit here having constant breakdowns. I am sat here sobbing while waiting for the boy to text me back because we've argued over the weekend and I just don't want to loose him.

If I didn't have the boy, I would probably start comtemplating suicide again. Nothing has changed externally, thats why I don't think people wouldn't understand. Externally my life has been fine, great, splendid. But not in my mind, I can't explain it just hurts to think.

I just don't remeber a time when I didn't hate myself. How am I going to pass A levels when I am so unstable?

Yesterday something happened and the boy broke a promise, I was so upset and I explained how now I didn't feel like I could trust him, so he just began to cry. He was so truly sorry, I could see it in his eyes he was so terrified I hated him and wanted to break up, he kept asking me and apologising.

I love him so much, I can't even describe it. He is amazing and he just makes me so happy.

I can tell he is broken too, weird things he says infere to the idea that in someway he hates his life too and wants to escape. I'm not ready to show him this blog yet, but one day I will.

xo

p.s the doctor weighed me today.... 42kg (6 stones 10) !!

ultimate betrayal

. . . breaking a promise </3

sadness..

I don't know hwat to do I am in hysterical floods of tears, I don't thinkt he boy is ever going to understand if I ever opened up to him.

But I feel like I have to.

What do I say?

...When we were ages 13-15 I wanted to commit suicide, after years of on/off starving myself/vomiting, but then my cousin committed suicide first and I kind of realised how selfish it is. So then I dealt with it on my own. But now I'm becoming that person again.

By the way.  xox

this is the part of me. . .

I've made him my everything, is that a mistake?

I can't help but feel that one day, my heart will be broken
and I will have nothing left.

I never thought that someone could mean so much to me.
I would happily devote the rest of my life to.

The boy who I 'admired from a distance' for two years, done exactly the same to me, and is my boyfriend.

stresser

I went to the doctors he said it is probably acid in my stomach from stressing out so much about being pregnant and I have probably caused a stomach ulcer too. I asked for a blood test for pregnancy he said no, take these tablets and if they don't work I will give you a blood test if you really want. But I just continued to freak out and cry and the pains were so intense so I spoke to my mum about it, which wasn't as awkward as I thought, and she helped calm my nerves by reassuring me the tests are really accurate and I had 2a nd if you were pregnant you don't feel anything for months so my pains are just acid from worrying.

I have lost half a stone with worrying (or I think about 3kg), I am now 6st7lb what the fuck? I stepped on the scales the other day thinking hm have I gained weight looking for 'pregnancy signs'... *shock horror* 6st7lb!

I need to learn to calm the fuck down and not stress out !!

happiness is a blessing

My results were good: ABBC

Psychology - A
Maths - B
Critical Thinking - B
History - C

I was 1% from a B in History :( However my college is appealing and getting them remarked because so many people done so bad. I am relatively happy though, I just look at other people who got UUU (U is un markable) ... and then I feel so much better about life.

In general life is good, however I am still freaking out about being pregnant. Why do I do it to myself? I google things and just become hysterical. I have had 2 periods since it happened, I messed up take my pill, I took a test which was negative. I went today and took another urine test, which was negative. However now I read on line some people have negative tests at the doctors and still are pregnant because they're not senstivite enough to detect pregnancy. I have been having really bad pains like in my stomach and my lower abdomen is tender... therefore I am freaking out again.

Why why why :(

a a a levels...

In hindsight, over the past few weeks I have just been hysterical, when there is no need for me to be.

Today is 'A-level results day' and I am panicing now! It is 6.27am at 6.30am the results get uploaded online to like your student secction thing on our college's website. When I log on and look tomorrow I will cry at the monstrosity that is my History result. Just reminiscing of the jumbled up crap I wrote on my exam makes me sad. I don't know why I did it, I panicked at the word 'domestic policies'. What the fuck? Who gives a fuck anyway, about Britain 1906-1951? Lloyd George, I hate you and your 'domestic policies in 1918 onwards'. Resitting will be awful, having to relive the past 5 months, but it has to be done. At least I will do better on the Vietnam paper woop!!



xoxo.

results

So I went to the clinic today after a bus ride there, a bus ride home, the realisation I should of actually gone, and a bus ride back. It wasn't as bad as I expected. In the waiting room I seen two girls who go to the school I used to attend, and one conveniently lives two doors away from my nan. How lovely it was been to awkwardly smiling at her, remembering where I seen her last.

They called my name and I explained my scenario to the nurse who's facial expression is best explained by 'so why the fuck are you here?'. I proceeded to explain that I am a stresser and a hypochondria who needs reassurence. So I took a test and it was negative, she said it was 100% so I can stop worrying.

I am not pregnant!

She gave me more contraception, despite me telling her I can just get a repeat prescription so no thanks, however she insisted and I am 'luckily' stocked up on pills for the next 6 months woop. She gave me condoms too, well I asked for them, so there will be no reenactment of me for the past 5 weeks - hysterical.

I am never having unprotected sex again.

just because

you say ''no offense..''
does not mean I won't be offended.

People should think before they speak.
Words hurt.

bleugh

''I didn't go to the clinic when I said I would because I was too terrified. However I have spoke to the boy about it and surprisingly feel less scared and worried about it, is it possible to convince yourself you're pregnant when you're not? He was not angry with me like I thought he would be, and told me he will come with me, but I don't want him to. I felt like I was nauseous and had cramps (reason for convincing myself I am pregnant) but then its kind of gone now I have spoke to someone. It sounds to unbelievable and absurd but it's honestly what has happened! Then now when I think about it my stomach cramps a bit, I think oh god its all in my head, but I can't risk just not taking a test. Blah.


I will definitely go to the clinic this week, hopefully tomorrow. I am scared of walking in. I think I will I ring up in the morning first and just ask if they will take a blood test and how long results take etc. It is open 9.30 - 2pm then 4-7pm so I think I will go relatively early about 10ish so hopefully not many people will be there I can have a blood test leave and continue with my life. Then have results by the weekend and then just stop having occasional emotional breakdowns.''

I wrote this post at the beginning of the week and I STILL haven't gone, what to do? I think I will just go the doctors and take a test. I honestly don't think I am pregnant not I am just a major hypochondria who overreacts extremely, need to be on the safe side though and not the the 1 in 20,000 000 who is pregnant with no actual symptoms. I need a degree and house before I can deal with a baby, even then I couldn't deal with the stress.

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages

Kes: I have emailed you thank you, I just need someone to take to at times. You're so lovely xox.

Efflorescentwings: Thank you, I know I need to stop worrying but my brain just seems to be wired that way and I just have major panic attacks over nothing. I hope I am strong enough to deal with it all. Thank you xox.


Sarah: I honestly think it is just a scare, I don't have any symptoms and I had a period. Honestly it was my 'first time' and we stupidly enough never used protecting, as stupid people do, therefore what are the chances. I can't have a baby, if I was pregnant I would have to have an abortion and feel so evil for the rest of my life, but it would be the best choice. I know I do have depression I can just tell, but I couldn't go to the doctors and be prescribed medicine because I just couldn't, sorry I can't explain and put into words why :(. Thank you for the concern tbough, xox.

Isolation

I know nobody even reads this blog, but I just need somewhere to vent my thoughts and emotions because I have nobody to talk to. I am so scared about being pregnant, I think I might be having symptoms, but then I don't know if I'm just being hysterical.

I plan to go tomorrow to the clinic and take a pregnancy test, scared isn't the word. What if I just happen to be pregnant? I will have to have an abortion. Do I tell him or not? I am being slightly hysterical again, because I just found out a girl I  know is pregnant by 4 months, she still had periods and was on the pill, she only never used protection sometimes (she says) so ah!. Tomorrow is 4 weeks that week since 'it happened' so I need to just calm the fuck down really, have a blood test... and go from there. It lasted for about a minute, what are the chances.

This one thing happened, and I am dragged back to the emotional wreck I was two years ago, I feel like I am on the edge of just imploding. I can't eat or sleep, I just lay there wishing I was dead. I should be happy I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and a best friend who loves me equally but like a sister. So why am I feeling so unhappy and depressed. I just want to slice my skin and vomit and I thought I had just got past all that. I thought I was going to be able to move on with my life and maybe even delete this blog because

'I'm no longer controlled by my weight, I don't starve binge or purge and I'm happy'

(I wrote that the other week in a post I never finished)

... But I'm not, I'm slowly resorting back to all of those things and I just am losing complete control of my whole like.

And the worst this is I have nobody to talk to, so it's me and my thoughts...

Relief

Okay so I have my period, so hopefully I am not pregnant. I done my usual thing of blowing the whole situation out of proportion and completely freaking out. I will make an appointment at the doctors and take a test, just to be on the safe side, as I wouldn't enjoy in 5 months to realised oh wait I actually am pregnant, I am going to have to be a mum now!

Life is as good as I guess it will get.

Xo.

I have actually gotten past the point of freaking out. I have convinced myself I am pregnant and I have to wait 11 days to finish taking my pill before I am due on. What am I going to do? I just hope to god when I finish my pill I come on because otherwise I will have to get an abortion. I keep crying. It lasted literally a minute. I did bleed abit afterwards. So the brown discharge could be just old blood. Or a sign of pregnany!!!

Actually on the verge of breaking down. Why am I so stupid? If I do miss my period am I supposed to tell him I think I am pregnant. I can't talk to anyone else, argh FML!!

freaking out

Right okay so I have a kind of problem, I have the tendancy to extremely over react however this is an actual serious thing...

I am on the pill I had my period on the 8th - 11/12th of January, then I started taking the pill on the 14th. However I had sex ont the 18th(unprotected sex blah it was a spare of the moment thing) and that morning I had forgotten to take my pill like I normally do. I took 2 in the evening as soon as I realised but oh my god I am freaking out thinking I am preganant. What the fuck should I do? I have to wait 2 weeks to finish taking my pills to see if I miss my period. Ahh!!!

Please bare in mind it lasted literally like a minute or two and he pulled out. I know I shouldn't freak out because what are the chances, but I can't help it. I want to vomit thinking about it :'(

c h a n g e

Firstly I would like to apologise for the lack of posting. I've been unmotivated and reluctant to come on here because I knew it would remind me of who I really am, despite me spending the majority of my times trying to repress my horrible thoughts.

In previous posts I've mentioned my admiration for 'the boy'. When we started college, I imagined he would merely forget about me. However he didn't, quite the opposite. A sequence of events led to what is now a relationship. He is such a beautiful person, when we're together nothing else matters.  I think I am in love with him.

I never believed in fate, but it must exist. I can't explain, but it's just so weird looking back at what happened to cause us to be together. 

But now I can't help but feeling a sense of vunerability. Should I let him now who I really am? Then proceed with the relationship being silently judged, or will he understand who I was, and who I (still) am. Or continue with a relationship built on lies. He has seen me with no clothes on, and doesn't hate me but I can't help thinking he will.

I'd love to be all cliched, and say 'new year, new start, new me', but it isn't I am the same fragile girl who is slightly happier than before. I wish I could leave the past behind me, but it is a part of me.

X